Full Moon

The moon hangs full and low tonight. It's odd. The people in this sleepy village claim that crazy things happen here when the moon is full. The smallest madness in a being gets magnified, and explodes to the surface. Tears roll slowly down her face as she laughs at the thought.

The yellow orb reflects unsteadily on the waves. From this distance their sound is a gentle splashing, but they look fierce and strong and undecided. Like a madman unsure of his goal. They seem to have an almost thick, viscous texture as they roll up on the shore. They seem hungry, their mouths wide open - nipping at the young couple ambling in the sand hand-in-hand, nearly swallowing up the old man walking his dog, and slyly edging towards the little girl holding fast to her father's hand. A little giggle escapes her - despite the hand she has fisted against her mouth.

What a fanciful thought... lunar insanity. She feels the rain on her bare feet as she walks towards the edge. The drops make cleansing splatters on her bloody feet. The light from the moon hits her face, and makes the rivers down her face glisten. And as she steps off the cliff, she falls with the knowledge that it hasn't rained.

She's been crying.

Under the Sea

In a cacophony of watery blues, a solitary specimen of different fish flit here and there among the spiky sea urchins, and lumbering coral and rock formations. Just as the clouds part, and the light warbles softly into the gently unsettled water, a large school of fish glitters into the periphery of my vision.

The fish are a mischievous bunch of black and white stripes, olive green and cornflower blue. The light glints off their shiny bodies in motion, creating a vision so beautiful, I am awestruck... spellbound. And amazingly, I can relate them to another sight I saw not long before on land... A totally different life form, in a totally different element. The light dancing off each fish onto the next as they make their way in the sea, creates a view very much like falling leaves in autumn... it's one of those rare cases of nature imitating nature.

And for that very brief moment... I am confused as to where I really am...

That Night

The healing began that night.

The inky waves rolled up against the shore, and she sat, transfixed. The moon smiled wisely in a twinkling sky, and as she gazed out at sea she couldn't quite make out where the sea ended and the sky began. The breeze ruffled her hair, and the blaze from the fire armed her against its chill. The sounds of the waves breaking mingled with clear voices that sang into the night. They sang songs long forgotten; resuscitating the hopes and yearnings of her youth. Her heart expanded, and a slow smile spread from her belly up to her face.

If there was ever a time and place to let go, this was it. The knowledge and certainty of this filled her. There was power and magic all around, and she knew too, that the dreams she dreamt tonight would come true.

She gazed across the fire to a face that mirrored her own. It was full of wonder, and hope renewed - like her own. With silent consent they stood up and walked towards the water together. As she waded into the cool water, the waves threw her off balance for a moment. She knew a split second of fear and uncertainty. Just a split second - and then a hand grasped hers. Firmly. Tightly. And in that moment she began to trust again.

Retrospect

There are many things that you look back upon, and think, 'Aaah, so that's why it happened to me!', or, 'That's what I learned from it!' I'm not sure whether it's because everything happens for a reason, or that we become adept at justifying. We are a species with both logic and emotion (well most of us have both, I hope!), and because of this, I believe we always try and 'make sense' of things.

I'm not sure how far you can make sense of many things... I always believed that I, personally, was ruled by logic. Of late, I can lay no claims to this. I have discovered pride, and hurt, and how it feels when your pride is hurt (hehe). I now understand desperation, and the urge to hurt someone in the same way that they have hurt you. While I didn't fully succumb to this urge, I can definitely empathise now.

One of my favourite phrases is, 'The more the shit, the more fertilised your fields'. So am going to chalk all these unsavoury situations to experience, and believe that all the lessons that I am learning - that I don't KNOW I am learning - will make me an even better person in the very near (please!) future.

So right now, I will admit, I am in an ocean demanding logic and reason, and I don't know where to begin. Only time will tell, and as much as I want to rush time... well I can't really do that, can I?

Goodbye 2010

Around this time last year, I was crowing about how 2010 was going to be MY year. Crowing like my life depended on it. Crowing with confidence, as if affirming it with certainty, would MAKE it a certainty. I wasn't all that wrong. I'm not saying it was a year that went smoothly in every possible way. Some moments of 2010 brought me down to my knees, and I felt that I may never be able to rise again. It may sound melodramatic, but I am not exaggerating. There were moments when I felt completely hopeless and alone as I never have in my adult life, and I can safely say I have never cried so much in any year. But I guess this is also the year when I truly faced life and all that it can encompass - a whole gamut of experience and emotion. And I still say 2010 WAS MY YEAR. I hurt, but I healed. I fell, but I learned that I can get up time and time again. You can't knock me down. I learned who I can trust and who I can lean on, and that I am not in this alone. I learned that I can cry, and yell, and feel like my mind is no longer my own - and there will still be people in my corner fighting for me, and believing in me... not because they have to - but because they genuinely do. You know who you are... and if there ever has been a moment when you have thought that I don't appreciate you, or treasure you. Think again. I know who I can count on, and who I can trust, and who's got my back. And I am blessed that there are so many of you. If 2010 has taught me nothing else - it has taught me to value all the people I have. I've got your back too.

Another thing 2010 has taught me is that I am EMOTIONAL. For the longest time I have felt that I have no heart, and I have no feeling. Love strongly, and be hurt badly, and your heart will show you it exists. I have never felt more alive - in my saddest and happiest moments than I have in these past few months. I am richer for everything, and while parts of me are still struggling, I am not defeated. I've taken leaps I never thought I could have, and survived wounds I never imagined facing. And I am so much better for it...

And I will be greedy and tell you: 2011 is MY year too. Bring it on.

Bye Bye, Doormat.

I'd like to begin by saying I am no flawless saint. If I was a cruise ship, my name would be Titanic: I am THAT flawed and prone to disaster. But I sincerely believe I am a good person. I try. And sometimes fail. But I do try. And I don't expect anyone to make excuses for my faults, and adjust their actions and behaviour according to what suits me. That, I believe is grossly unfair. I respect people's opinions, and criticisms, and take things with an open mind. And once told something, I think over it as objectively as I can. And if I feel the need to change, I really try to.

That being said, a lot has happened in my life in the last few months, and while I take full responsibility for all my actions, other people have been cavalier, and disrespectful with my feelings. And while there was a time I would have sat back and taken a defeatist attitude, and thrown my hands in the air and said 'I can only control what I do', that is certainly not what I do now. I scream. I shout. I cry. I speak out. And THEN I throw my hands in the air and say, 'I can only control what I do. AND I don't have to take the shit other people throw at me.'

The doormat me has gone. Forever, I hope. And I refuse to listen to the people who tell me that I need to rearrange my path because of their screw-ups. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I'm living my life for me now, and if you think that's selfish, you're welcome to do so. But think about it: I can only be of good to someone else if I'm taken care of... and ONLY I CAN TAKE CARE OF ME.

I'm working on the screaming and shouting and crying though. It's very unattractive.

P.S. I'm sorry for saying 'Shit', but somehow 'Faeces' didn't have the same impact.

Little feet

The beat beckons to the little boy, and of their own accord his little feet begin to stomp the earth. The rhythm is basic, and the urge to dance, instinctive. He does not know yet to be self-conscious. He does not care that his clothes are tattered, and has not yet begun to compare what he has with what others do. He is content and he is joyful. This moment is about the beat, and it takes over his body, resonates in his innocent soul.

In this moment, he is healthy. His skin gleams in the Ugandan sun, and his little belly is gently round in a way that spells content. His young mother looks on, and she is far from content. Not so long ago, she was just as carefree. But as she grew, so did the consciousness of her place in the world, and how limited the possibilities seemed. She is reconciled with her own life of working enough to just get by. It's been a little difficult since she had the little one, but nothing she can't manage. She works in the homes of people better off than her - their rooms filled with things she doesn't quite want - definitely doesn't need - but things that are, all the same, constant reminders of what she can never have even she wants to. Some of the things that they toss around with complete disregard are worth a month of her pay, at the very least.

She looks on at her jubilant, carefree son. Will he be as content as she? She does not think so. She has seen the hunger in the older children of others. Hunger and envy, and a deepening dissatisfaction. She knows merely trying to instil the basic values in her son will not be enough. How can she possibly explain to him how there will always be people who possess more? As she looks on at her son, as he revels in a simple, uncomplicated pleasure, she dreads the day that will come all too soon - the day when what he DOES NOT have will be more important to him than what he DOES... the day when the beat will not be enough, but the quality and possession of the instrument creating the beat will determine his joy.

And somehow this scenario is preferable to another, very likely, one. What if there comes a time when even his most basic needs will not be met? When the beat rings true, but there is no strength of spirit or body to dance to it?

Magic Mirror

I should look different. Like me... but different. Not quite aged. Not quite altered. Me... with less. Me... with more. Me... and yet... not.

I look in the mirror, and it lies. It hides. It deludes. It represents the same persona as a few months ago. A persona that may not ever emerge again.

Oh, mirror mirror on the wall... show me true, or not at all!

Could it be that the me that is, sparkles. She's thrown caution to the wind and is no longer chained by inhibition and fear and the expectation of failure. It's when I think this that I realise that the old me is still there. Submerged, but ever present. In awe, and fearful of this new, spectacular, scary, seemingly psychotic me.

I really should look different.

A Letter To Mr Not-Right-Now

Hey there hot stuff,

This is the down-low: You have rocked my world, and you have a great butt. But this is not working for me. Not because we don't get along - we do. You've got a mind I could wander in for miles, and a soul so fathomless I could go deep-sea diving. But the plain truth is that I am not ready for someone as strange as you. It's me... not you. Except... it IS you!

I think the first clue of your eccentricity was the restraining order for me... and then the fact that every time I get your newest number, it's unreachable within a day. I mean if I didn't know better I would think you were avoiding me!!! But I have felt the connection... when I look into your eyes I know the intensity is so great that you can't help but look away. Sure it looks like a nervous twitch - as though you are frantically, furtively glancing around for the nearest exit. It's quite endearing and just makes you all the more sexy in my eyes. I'm a bit worried though at the attachment that you have formed to that shiny new letter opener of yours... and the other night the edge of the blade caught the light and it looked almost like a real knife! Baby, if you are scared of anyone, you need to tell me.

I guess this fear is what has made you change the locks to your place so many times... and I guess the feeling has been so overpowering and mind-numbing you forgot to tell me each time! Luckily in order not to trouble you I have managed to get the keys copied quietly every time. I know how stressed you are at work too - I mean every time I call the work number you gave me your secretary answers as Pizza Hut Home Delivery! It's great to have a laugh at work, but I am sure working with such jokers can get tiring.

But honey, any fool can tell you have issues. I'm just not ready for such complex problems. I mean I thought my last boyfriend was strange (he kept moving town without telling me, and he's either had a sex operation and turned into a woman, or has left the country - noone is telling me, and his old neighbours all seem to cower when they see me! It's baffling!), but you take the cake!

So I'll be seeing you... (and not just via satellite from the well hidden secret CCTV I had installed in your room)...

XOXO

Miss Totally-CRAZY-For-You

Ke Nako

SPOILER - I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE FOOTBALL CRAZY OF LATE... YOU WILL UNDERSTAND AS YOU READ ALONG.

Ke Nako... It's time

We came onto the playing field, you and I, almost expecting glory. Ready to battle, ready to overcome, ready to shine. We came with hearts full of exhilaration, anticipation, and excitement - knowing that there would be challenges, and yet certain - positive - that we would come out winners. Oh, there was the occasional shadow of possibly unsavoury outcomes, but they were quickly swept away in the thrill of the game and the joyful frissons that blossomed at every sweet victory.

We could not lose. We would not lose.

We lost.

Perhaps it was our strategy. Or could it have been that we were simply not ready? Worse still, is the possibility that this alliance we formed was not the ideal one. My mind is on constant replay - fast forwarding, and rewinding, and pausing over and over and over again, trying to pinpoint the moments of weakness, and the little failures, and then trying to determine how best to overcome and strengthen ourselves for the next attempt on the playing field. But what if the only solution is to build a different team for a different playing field?

Ke Nako - it's time to admit defeat, put down our waving flag, and find comfort in the fact that we came, we saw, we tried.