Goodbye 2010

Around this time last year, I was crowing about how 2010 was going to be MY year. Crowing like my life depended on it. Crowing with confidence, as if affirming it with certainty, would MAKE it a certainty. I wasn't all that wrong. I'm not saying it was a year that went smoothly in every possible way. Some moments of 2010 brought me down to my knees, and I felt that I may never be able to rise again. It may sound melodramatic, but I am not exaggerating. There were moments when I felt completely hopeless and alone as I never have in my adult life, and I can safely say I have never cried so much in any year. But I guess this is also the year when I truly faced life and all that it can encompass - a whole gamut of experience and emotion. And I still say 2010 WAS MY YEAR. I hurt, but I healed. I fell, but I learned that I can get up time and time again. You can't knock me down. I learned who I can trust and who I can lean on, and that I am not in this alone. I learned that I can cry, and yell, and feel like my mind is no longer my own - and there will still be people in my corner fighting for me, and believing in me... not because they have to - but because they genuinely do. You know who you are... and if there ever has been a moment when you have thought that I don't appreciate you, or treasure you. Think again. I know who I can count on, and who I can trust, and who's got my back. And I am blessed that there are so many of you. If 2010 has taught me nothing else - it has taught me to value all the people I have. I've got your back too.

Another thing 2010 has taught me is that I am EMOTIONAL. For the longest time I have felt that I have no heart, and I have no feeling. Love strongly, and be hurt badly, and your heart will show you it exists. I have never felt more alive - in my saddest and happiest moments than I have in these past few months. I am richer for everything, and while parts of me are still struggling, I am not defeated. I've taken leaps I never thought I could have, and survived wounds I never imagined facing. And I am so much better for it...

And I will be greedy and tell you: 2011 is MY year too. Bring it on.

Bye Bye, Doormat.

I'd like to begin by saying I am no flawless saint. If I was a cruise ship, my name would be Titanic: I am THAT flawed and prone to disaster. But I sincerely believe I am a good person. I try. And sometimes fail. But I do try. And I don't expect anyone to make excuses for my faults, and adjust their actions and behaviour according to what suits me. That, I believe is grossly unfair. I respect people's opinions, and criticisms, and take things with an open mind. And once told something, I think over it as objectively as I can. And if I feel the need to change, I really try to.

That being said, a lot has happened in my life in the last few months, and while I take full responsibility for all my actions, other people have been cavalier, and disrespectful with my feelings. And while there was a time I would have sat back and taken a defeatist attitude, and thrown my hands in the air and said 'I can only control what I do', that is certainly not what I do now. I scream. I shout. I cry. I speak out. And THEN I throw my hands in the air and say, 'I can only control what I do. AND I don't have to take the shit other people throw at me.'

The doormat me has gone. Forever, I hope. And I refuse to listen to the people who tell me that I need to rearrange my path because of their screw-ups. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I'm living my life for me now, and if you think that's selfish, you're welcome to do so. But think about it: I can only be of good to someone else if I'm taken care of... and ONLY I CAN TAKE CARE OF ME.

I'm working on the screaming and shouting and crying though. It's very unattractive.

P.S. I'm sorry for saying 'Shit', but somehow 'Faeces' didn't have the same impact.