Now Doesn't Last Forever

I write this in memory of Sang Lee who passed on earlier this month. I had the privilege and joy of reading his blog, and he truly made a mark on me. I read the quote I used below when he commented on a blog he followed called Restaurant Girl. The post in question was http://www.restaurantgal.com/2009/12/stark-reality-in-daylight/. I am sad that he died, but thankful his words, at least, will stay on forever.

'Fuck it. Not to the situation, or what you have to do, but how it affects you. It’s just now. And now doesn’t last forever.' Sang Lee

She fastened the seat belt and huddled under the blanket, leaning her head against the fuselage of the plane. She usually loved plane journeys. She would always be teetering on the edge of her seat watching the people board and put away their things as she made up stories about where they were headed and why. She'd be drumming her feet as the plane taxied, anticipation building as the plane took off. And if there was a cute guy next to her, she'd be plotting a way to start conversation, and planning the timing of the ice-breaker according to the length of the journey.

But not on this night. Not on this journey.

Tonight felt like the culmination of a thousand bad decisions and paths wrongly taken. She felt old and weary and lifeless. All her dreams felt so far out of reach; so improbable. She could see nothing to look forward to, nothing in her life worth retaining, or making better. All that she could see ahead were a multitude of dead ends, and it seemed as though every step she made forward led to umpteen obstacles that hurled her farther back than where she had started from. Life had become a thousand shades of grey - it seemed the only colour around.

When the stewardess came by and told her to put up the window blind, she looked out of the window. She was instantly struck by the splendour of the rain and its effects on the runway and the airport field. The tarmac was a glossy gown of charcoal black at this time of the night. The lights - orange, red, white - glittered prettily, and bled into the coat of rain on the ground. Each colour seemed more vibrant - like it had been given a wash and was hung out to dry. She felt some of the grey of her own mood lift, and her mind went back to another night; another journey - another bleak moment when she had felt like giving up. The earnest words of a dear friend floated in her memory, 'Fuck it. Not to the situation, or what you have to do, but how it affects you. It’s just now. And now doesn’t last forever.'

As the plane left the ground and soared towards a melting sky, the fog in her mind began to clear, and she slowly began to look for possibilities. It WAS just now... and now doesn't last forever...

Dirty Little Secret

They sat at the cafe one lazy afternoon, the sun dappling them in gentle shadows. Her eyes twinkled from the belly laughs of the past few hours. She had just finished a long overdue catch-up with some old girlfriends. It was rare for her to have the time to just hang out these days. But when he'd called, out of the blue really, to say 'Let's have lunch', she'd somehow had time and surprised herself when she agreed.

Her face was warm and flushed - the telltale effects of good food and a little red wine. Red wine always made her all cosy and slumberous. She peeked at him through lazy lashes as he ordered his meal, and realised that this was perfect. This was comfortable. She smiled inwardly, remembering their tête-à-têtes of the past. She didn't remember a single one that could be classified as 'comfortable'. There had been shyness, attraction, tension, hurt, irritation and confusion... nothing as simple as 'comfortable'.

They were meeting face to face after several months because their previous attempts at friendship had always been flailing, clumsy and unsuccessful. But on this sunny afternoon being friends finally seemed possible, and it gave her a warm, toasty feeling.

They talked easily about work, life, romance, and the future. Anything and everything really. They teased and laughed at themselves, and before they knew it the sky above was advertising stunning sunset shades, signalling it was time to leave. He offered to drop her home, and she accepted happily.

She hugged him tight as they said goodbye, and they agreed they must do this again. She hummed her way up the stairs feeling content, knowing that this would become a friendship she could count on. As she reached the top of the stairs, her phone gave a little blip.

The sms - from him - read, 'Please let's not tell anyone we met today. She can never know.'

She realised then that it was completely dark. The cold caught hold of her and clawed with icy fingers at her. She had been dreaming of being someone's friend when instead she was his dirty little secret.

Did You Ever Really Know Me At All?

I look at your face, and it's a blank mask. There's no room for dialogue; no space for understanding. That's fine. I don't have the energy, or the will, to try and make you see how much you have misunderstood me over the years. You will never realise how far off the mark you are about me, and have been about me - over, and over again. My face must look very much like yours. Completely closed up, completely blank.

In another time there would have been tears, or fury, perhaps even a searing pain. But how many times can I learn the same lesson? How many times will you ignore the truth? How many times will I let you see me oh so wrongly before you reluctantly, disbelievingly change your mind? I have no new arguments to try, I have no conviction that you might even believe. I have cried enough, tried enough, raged enough. You just don't want to see me.

I'll let it be. Let you think what you want. I can't prove anything to you if you're not willing to see. So I'll just let it be, and quietly wonder if you ever really knew me at all.

Bridges

Be careful boy. You're being just a little bit too cavalier. One wrong move and the flames will engulf your last chance of ever getting to me. So tread very, very carefully.

It's your last bridge to burn, and it's the most fragile one. We both know how you annihilated the ones that came before. Do you remember the first one? It seemed indestructible. It emanated simple, steely beauty. Its strength was quiet, and inconspicuous. But you wore it down slowly... excruciatingly... you were almost resilient in wanting to bring it down. And you did.

But because of who you are to me, I tried again. And there were moments when it was worth it. And so we built another bridge - wooden, and slightly ricketier than the first. I tried to ignore the sounds it made. Tried to ignore the creaks of warning... stubbornly trying to ignore the tearing out of my heart once again. But the weight of what you did... it brought it crashing down.

So realize this, boy. I have nothing left to give but this bridge of rope and twine. It's as shaky as they come, and its survival is in your hands. Tread with care, boy. The smallest flicker of hurt or anger can ignite into a flame... and whoosh! Down comes the last bridge.