Fifteen minutes

I pledged to myself, and a dear few, that I'd write daily for at least fifteen minutes... This was probably about fifteen weeks ago if not more. The pledge was well-meaning... I enjoy it, it's cathartic, and a few out there tell me they DO enjoy reading what I write (I'm wary of believing this, but I kind of do, too).

So let me be clear. I thought about it. Several times. I bought a cute notebook, and carried around a fancy pen (it's purple and sparkly) I received as a gift. Took it on my little excursions around the city, on the metro, on the bus, to work, on my flights, and it was ALWAYS on my mind. I'd think about what I'd write, how silly it would be, how I'd be too lazy to rewrite it, how something clever and funny might creep in and startle and delight me. I thought about what beverage I'd have, or what music I'd listen to while I wrote. If I was in public, I'd wonder what people would think if I whipped out my cute book and started jotting down furiously. I got worried in chilly weather, wondering if my fingers would cramp up from the cold and lack of practise and whether they could keep up with my very quick thoughts (yes, am laughing too at the thought of me being a quick thinker).

Then it occurred to me, that if what I wrote passed muster, I might want to upload it on my blog. I realised I'd have to then type it out. So I decided to save my writing for the most part when I was home, and forgot to carry my cute notebook everywhere. I'd think about what I'd write as I washed the dishes, my hair, my clothes or just sat online downloading movies, and read other people's writing. And again the speed worried me. What if my typing speed was too slow? Or if my computer crashed (it's in its last stages) and I lost a whole heap of really phenomenal writing (I'm laughing too)? Also I'm missing a 'W' key, and it always takes a little more effort when I have to type something using that letter. I worried about prose that might have too many 'W's and hamper the flow of my amazing thoughts that I just HAD to share with the world.

After a rather long time I realised I was procrastinating, and had to dig into why. I discovered I was worried I'd continue ranting (which is why I paused my writing for a while... I got a bit sick of being so whiny), and then I worried words would fail me... as they have started doing, and it scared me. I tried a few times, and well... the results were inane and rubbish and a bit of a snooze-fest (even more than this, if you're still being kind enough to read), but after much deliberation and a selflessness that didn't want to put crap out there into cyberspace, I decided: screw selflessness, I'm going to try and write anyway (there's enough crap out there in the world wide web for mine to feel quite comfortable) - in the hope that practise will make me better. For your sake more than mine.

Fifteen minutes. Day one.